Early Bird

She’s hopeful and confident and effortless,

Streaming through the gentle rays of sunrise.

Her body yawns and mind stretches, taking in the newness of morning,

Inhaling possibility just enough, never too much, because today feels just right.

If I could bottle her up, her giddy ness and her calm, the way she exhales joy from her toes through the tips of her freshly shampooed hair,

And the way she wears herself, her spirit. The way she sprinkles just the shiny parts onto others

If I could just

carry her with me all day.

I would do that.

Only the lonelies

I’ll admit it. Life has been a great big beautifully ugly ferocious puzzle for this only. I grew up an only, and after 19 years of motherhood, I’m more than halfway to my final destination of being a total and complete only – without parents, and without kids under my roof. Thank God for the my 3 year old dog, right??

But as a mom of a 19 year old who has moved out and a 12 year old who no longer prefers the company of his not-so-cool-anymore mom, I’m starting to feel the oh-so-subtle hints of uselessness that I’ve heard talk about for all of my formative years. I don’t necessarily look forward to such freedom. I’m not sure I’m ready for it, if I’m being honest.

On nights when my youngest is with his dad (which is a disturbingly new thing), I don’t know how to exist. Oh sure. Beforehand, I have all the plans. I’m going to clean the house, or karaoke, or write, or paint, or read, or paint the walls. But I pretty much just end up climbing said walls. Why? Because it’s not ACTUALLY better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. If you don’t know what you’re missing, how the hell can you miss it?

So when my kiddo isn’t here to cook for, or nag about homework, or complain to about how my day went at work or complain to about how he’s being too loud online with his gamer friends for me to rest, well…I can’t rest. I never actually DO all the THINGS I set out to do. I’m too sad. And lonely. And pitiful.

So what’s an only to do when she’s faced with lonely? Aside from immerse myself in Netflix or Amazon Prime, I have no answers. I’m not being productive when I do this, but I chalk it up to ‘self-care’. I work my arse off all week, and by God, I deserve some downtime and entertainment, right???

Well, that’s the story, morning glory. I have no point to this other than the whining. And maybe there doesn’t need to be a point, other than to get it out there that it’s okay. It’s okay to be half an empty nester and not know in the beginning how to fill up these long hours of time when there’s no one to take care of but me and this beautiful dog of mine. When the rain pours big wet drops of chill, I need to learn how to chill without the guilt. And you should too! Because this too is but a season, and this too shall pass. In the meantime, it’s yet another notch in our tool belts and another wrinkle in time.