Category Archives: career

As for me…

This month, it will be four years that I’ve been the only adult in my home. That’s the longest I’ve ever been ‘head of household’. Ever. Right now, as I’m interviewing for jobs, there is on consistent theme going on in my conversations. I am Robin. I am the sidekick. I am not Batman. I may be at home, but I don’t want to be full-time, all the time, day-in and day-out Batman. I just don’t have it in me to be the happy boss lady. My mom was the boss. I was the minion. And maybe I wasn’t okay with that until she passed away, until I HAD to be Batman and was forced out of my sidekick flip-flops and into my superhero boots. Still, that has been my epiphany. Some people are born leaders, and admittedly, I always thought I was one of those. Maybe in a way, I still think I am – on an emotional intelligence level but NOT on a business level. 

I am the girl who will give everything away if it’s up to her, and no one is telling her to do otherwise. I am the girl who understands people’s hardships a little too well, and will cave in to their sob stories. And guess what? I don’t want to change a thing. I could’ve become hardened by now. By the grace of God, I haven’t. Have I grown wiser? Yes. At least I hope so. Have I stopped caring so much what others think? Yes. That sort of ended with the passing of my mom. So what’s a girl with sidekick talent and no live-in superhero to do? 

Wait for it.

That’s all. Don’t dive in. Don’t rush things. Just wait until his time is right. Can I get an Amen?!

After two divorces, the absolute LAST thing I want in my life is a husband who is NOT ready to be married, or be committed, or say ‘forever’. Robin is Batman’s sidekick because he respects his superhero and his superhero is respectable and committed as well. Robin didn’t just start following Batman around one day in hope’s that maybe…just maybe he would be accepted. There’s is a mutual friendship, and a mutual commitment. That’s how it should be. That’s how a marriage should be as well.

I don’t know, but I’m pretty certain that Robin could handle his household just fine without Batman. He could pay bills, do laundry, handle the kids’ fighting, keep the yard tidy, shop for the groceries, get the mail – he could do all of that perfectly fine without Batman. Batman could do all of that without Robin. 

But no man (or woman) was created to be ‘a rock’ as Simon and Garfunkel would say. We were made for each other, in our own time, when we’re both ready. Because while both Batman and Robin are perfectly fine alone, together they save the world.

We will also save the world, in our own little way. Until then, we have daydreams and roadtrips. We have weekends and long talks. We have time to savor. Time together, until we have all the time we are given  and we are ready to fly as one. 

Digging Deep

I am stepping out of my comfort zone tomorrow. I’ve already done some hard stuff. I’ve sold the family business, stopped earning money, changed the course of my life entirely, but this appointment with a college adviser is scaring the dickens out of me. What if I’m too old a dog to learn new tricks? What if I make it all the way to my own classroom and hate it? Life would be so much easier if we could just read ahead, skip a few chapters, or fast forward like Adam Sandler in ‘Click’. I think this may just be where Faith has to shine the brightest. When we’re standing at a crossroads. When nothing is certain, everything is possible, and answers end in questions, instead of the other way around. But it’s like that old adage, ‘I don’t care where you go, but you can’t stay here’. I have zero desire to stay home every day of my life without feeling that I have a true purpose.

Without a job, every morning I feel heavier in my bed. I feel like gravity is holding me down, and the weight of unknowing is starting to inch it’s way to my Faith, to my confidence, and to my spirit. It’s crazy really. For the first month, I participated in a 100 mile running challenge that effortlessly pulled me straight out of bed, out the door to Ethan’s summer camp, and off in a mad dash to whatever new trail I had discovered for the morning. Then there was the first week of July when I was on vacation, and had the purpose of making memories & sharing adventures with my sister, nephew, and my boys. Now, I’m experiencing an odd have-little-to-do week between trips, and I must admit that I’m a little lost. I’ve written, looked for jobs, scheduled appointments, cleaned the house, tied up more loose ends with the business, watched a movie, worked out, played in the kitchen with tons of Pinterest recipes, but still. I don’t know how to be still.

And that is what I am learning. I want to learn to be still, but I don’t want to necessarily become content with being still. This girl’s life needs to move forward. The restlessness that began this journey of change has not yet been satisfied.

So I will wake up tomorrow and dig deep for the courage to take a step in a direction that I feel in my gut will be extremely difficult, and take solace in the fact that, once I am off and going in this direction of full time school/ full time work/ full time mom, I won’t have time to remember being still. And still. We must move with purpose, even if we’re just faking for the moment.