Monthly Archives: July 2017

Judy July

The day we said goodbye, on Tuesday July 30th @ 12:22 pm was the worst day of my life. We surrounded you, touching you, saying the Lord’s Prayer, just as you had wanted. I was at the head of the table, hovering above your face, watching your soul depart with your last breath. I couldn’t imagine life without you in it. I hadn’t yet thought about how you wouldn’t be here to guide me anymore, about how you wouldn’t be at the other end of my phone, or how you would no longer be popping into the office unannounced with some new idea on how to grow the business. I hadn’t yet thought of how my boys would no longer have their grandma Judy, or how our garage sale Saturdays had finally come to a bitter end.

Yet you had asked me, beforehand – for weeks, to be your ‘hero’, and talk everyone else into accepting your end. So I did, but somehow these four years later, I have not accepted it. Maybe I never will. Because your voice still steers my every direction even more loudly than it did in life. Don’t get me wrong. I have no regrets besides the fact that you left far too early. I was one of the lucky ones who got to be there at your end, and comfort you until you didn’t know any better. I got to joke with you about what you would wear to your ‘big day’, and paint your nails for your own funeral before you went into Hospice. Oh, and that Hospice, that has recently closed.

And yes, life has gone on, and a million changes have happened since your departure because your courage – well, you passed that on to me. That is the best inheritance a daughter could ask for, especially a daughter who struggled with decisions her whole life. Mom. You were not just the glue that held everything together, you were the heart. You pumped us all full of gratitude and zest for life. You made us all want to leap out of bed in the morning and take on the world (I mean, after those dreadful teenaged years). I will never stop being grateful for your life, because you not only gave me life, but you taught me how to live it. I will forever be in your shadow, living to make you proud, because in the end – I understand that you made me who I am today, and you will forever be my greatest blessing.

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To my Church

Dear Church,

I was raised to believe in you, believe in your promises and in your grace. I was raised to believe that the direct route to God was through Christ, and through you. I committed to you, and committed my children to you. But I need a divorce.

In order to marry my second time, I had to absolve my first marriage. My first marriage happened first without you, but my husband decided he wanted to be a part of this, and so we married under your shadow and through your promised. But we had to divorce, because he wanted to kill me.

And so we did. We divorced. When our child was less than three, we annulled our marriage. He married another and I was engaged, and it was the right thing to do.

When that marriage also failed, because he chose drugs, I knew that my Faith life was being challenged directly.

Now that I am engaged again, I feel the need to take a stand against you. Not against God, and not against Christ, but against my Church. The Church that has always protected me, now feels more like a threat, and something that has isolated me from it’s comfort and love and solace.

I have been disowned. My 2nd husband is AWOL and there is no way of absolving that marriage. Even though my future husband is ‘all in’ with the idea of conversion, I know that it’s an impossibility. And that is okay.

At some point, we must surrender and realize that every closed door is an opportunity to something more, somewhere closer to where we are meant to land. So it is. And so it is.

So while I love everything you have been in my life, I must say farewell, and understand that THIS is what was meant for me and my journey. To have my Faith tested so directly, and feel only closer to my God, somehow that makes it all make sense. And I know that this is where I am meant to land – finding our own way without the direction of my mother, but with the Faith and guidance of My God.