It occurred to me two weeks ago tonight, as I drove home in the darkness once again. It occurred to me that, while I would most certainly live in even more darkness from now throughout my healing process, I would someday wind up back in the sunlight. And that was the scariest thought of all.
You see, I am addicted to relationships. I love to love and have been obsessed with loving since the dawn of time. No, I’m not Jesus. I wish I was. I’m just a lowly single mom of two beautiful boys trying to make her way in this world.
On this particular night, I had just ended things with the love of my life. That’s what I called him. That’s what I had believed him to be for the better part of 6 years. I had hurt others in the process, and I believed fully and utterly that this was the exact person that God had created just for me. Even after two failed marriages. Even though he was a middle-aged bachelor. Even though he told me he wasn’t.
I didn’t listen because I knew it was finally my turn to find complete happiness with another human being. We would ride off into the sunset – the four of us – arm in arm, completely accepting and loving one another, and we would adventure out into the great beyond. We would eventually leave our overbearing corporate jobs and find home and peace in doing whatever it is that we loved, while loving one another.
But that was just my imagination. Playing tricks on me.
And so 10 months after I proposed and he said yes, I said no, and he agreed. And here we are. Back to square negative 6. I am the queen of the do-si-do. I dance from one man to another, to back to the old in with the new until, at last…I have a bloody nose, a whiplashed spirit, and a damaged heart. So I tell you. I will not repeat this for the upteenth time because I can’t. I am not insane, even though I almost was. We are not the creators of our lives, but when we start feeling cocky enough to believe we are, it will bite us the ass everytime.
If you are addicted to love in all the wrong places, do me a favor. Stop. Take a look at your life. Do you look alot like me? Then….let’s stop together. Let’s learn to love ourselves. Let’s learn to listen to God a little more, and let’s FINALLY allow a little sanity to go along way in healing us into His purpose.