I was raised to believe in you, believe in your promises and in your grace. I was raised to believe that the direct route to God was through Christ, and through you. I committed to you, and committed my children to you. But I need a divorce.
In order to marry my second time, I had to absolve my first marriage. My first marriage happened first without you, but my husband decided he wanted to be a part of this, and so we married under your shadow and through your promised. But we had to divorce, because he wanted to kill me.
And so we did. We divorced. When our child was less than three, we annulled our marriage. He married another and I was engaged, and it was the right thing to do.
When that marriage also failed, because he chose drugs, I knew that my Faith life was being challenged directly.
Now that I am engaged again, I feel the need to take a stand against you. Not against God, and not against Christ, but against my Church. The Church that has always protected me, now feels more like a threat, and something that has isolated me from it’s comfort and love and solace.
I have been disowned. My 2nd husband is AWOL and there is no way of absolving that marriage. Even though my future husband is ‘all in’ with the idea of conversion, I know that it’s an impossibility. And that is okay.
At some point, we must surrender and realize that every closed door is an opportunity to something more, somewhere closer to where we are meant to land. So it is. And so it is.
So while I love everything you have been in my life, I must say farewell, and understand that THIS is what was meant for me and my journey. To have my Faith tested so directly, and feel only closer to my God, somehow that makes it all make sense. And I know that this is where I am meant to land – finding our own way without the direction of my mother, but with the Faith and guidance of My God.