Resolve to solve

I don’t know how to quit. There are lots of circumstances in life where this is a valuable trait, and there are some that are more questionable. I roller skated for 6 years, ages 6 – 12. I was married twice, both times for 6 years. All three of those came to an abrupt halt. I skated until my coaches moved away and there were no more local coaches. I was married the first time until he asked for divorce, and married the second time until it was clear that he was unwilling to sacrifice his mistress pill addiction for the likes of little ole me.

With all of these experiences, I should have maybe learned how to quit before I was quit. You would think I would be a little more untrusting, a little less open, a little less forgiving. But life cannot harden me, and I’ve learned to accept that. Not because I’m a martyr or a saint because I’m far from those things. Being determined is not something that I’ve chosen, but it is something that has been seemingly written into my DNA, with or without my approval. I am a forgiver, and I keep trudging ahead no matter what. I am convinced that God wants me this way for a reason that I don’t yet understand.

Maybe because of this, I am willing to try one last time at love. And this love is the love of my life.

It’s my first time being in love without doubt, and quite honestly, I didn’t think that was possible in real life. When you can be with someone who opens up to you, and isn’t scared of being vulnerable. When you can be with someone, and still be yourself completely, and do as you would when you’re alone…talk to like you would talk when your alone or in prayer…well, that’s special stuff. It’s like being naked, emotionally, psychologically…like you have no fear in the world. I have never been so liberated. I have never felt so complete. I have to believe that THIS is the very reason I have been through so much and remained soft and forgiving. As trusting as I am, there have always been red flags in my relationships, there have always been doubts and fears, but as hard as I try, those demons are nothing less than GONE, and I didn’t even try to hide them. They simply do not exist.

There are things in life that come up that we have to fight against, food addiction, laziness, bad habits, maybe even destructive patterns. But from time to time, we experience a barrier that isn’t made to be broken, because that barrier is at our core, and will take us to the next chapter of our lives.

Every day I awaken to a new hope because I still believe in the one thing that gets me through everything. That, my friends, is love.


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