Frozen

I am tired. Tired of feeling like a hamster on a wheel. Turning my wheels was fun once, when I was a child on skates, but not so much as a grown up. Getting people to work is nonsense. My mom would always talk people into staying with our company, or coming in when they wanted to call in. Time after time, the result was that she shouldn’t have. People always have a way of doing what they want and no more. The truth is that you can’t make anyone do anything they don’t want to do. People ALWAYS have to come to their own conclusion.

This is true in work, play, relationships, family…in every aspect of life. My mom’s best friend said, time and time again, ‘People do what they want’. And this was quoted by my mom numerous times, but it never stuck. Her behavior stayed the same. She kept trying to force employees, customers…me into her own will. In truth, she could only control her own desires, not mine and not anyone else’s. 

She wanted to marry again after my dad passed away. This was a big point of contingency with her boyfriend because he had been married three times already, and had no intention of walking down that aisle again. He had to come to his own conclusion, that she was worth the risk, worth the effort, and worth the pain if it didn’t work out. In truth, it did work out, and she was the love of his life. But he had to open up. He had to allow himself to open up to her, and be emotionally vulnerable.

I have had to learn this emotionally vulnerable rule the hard way – breaking hearts along the way, and breaking down my own walls and tendencies. But I’ve had to do it my own way, which isn’t always so logical. I become emotionally frozen when I’m put on the spot, or put in that ever-so-obstinate hot seat, which should melt, but only paralyzes me. And what I’ve learned from this is that you can’t expect to be filled with love if you are closed. You can’t fill a bucket with a lid, any easier than you can drain a well that’s barren. Allowing yourself to become frozen, paralyzed, closed by the pain that you’ve been through means that you’re also not allowing happiness. And it takes lots of grief, adjustment, and work to overcome that and reach that realization that only hardship can convey.

People only do what they want to do, and they will do nothing if they are frozen with fear, petrified by experiences, or jaded by deception. If people are not honest with themselves, they cannot be honest with you. This is true in every aspect of life. I was frozen by self-protection, but self-protection, it turns out, can destroy. Frozen things can always melt because, in truth, they are vulnerable to the sun – the light that warms, melts, and breaks down the rigidness that is doubt.

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