Take it or leave it

My greatest strength and lowest weakness are the same. I am loyal. As I said in last night’s post, I will give all of me until I’m at negative 100% and failing. I had no idea that my ex would be reading that the next day (today). I had no clue that a simple little blog post would create so much turmoil, but also so much dialogue. But one always needs to cut through the brush to reach his destination, and so it goes. No hold’s bared. No stone left unturned. No rock can remain buried.

I re-read my post through his eyes, and was shocked by his shock, hurt by his unknowing, and sickened by his lack of awareness, so much so that I am posting yet again.

I fell in love because of his words. He learned why I left because of my words, uninhibited. We’re both writers. We both create. We both dramatize. We both need attention, and we both need to be loved. In truth, I never planned on falling in love again for a long, long, ridiculously long time. I wanted to be at least 50 when that happened. By that point, both kids would be grown and I would have a far stronger grasp on who I was and where I was going. And I wouldn’t need to parent a third child.

But I did. I fell in love. My soul attached itself to his in it’s all-inclusive way. So much so that I had no say in the timing of it all. He is easy to love, but also easy to anger. For a person, like myself, who fears anger, that is threatening. But I can’t let go. Yet again, I cannot walk away. Because I still have love, and love…. breeds hope. Take it or leave it. It just does. Especially when his words are exactly what I need, and when his heart is as true and pure and vulnerable as I need it to be.

If you’re heart is broken, and the one who broke it is standing there with the superglue, it’s hard to walk away, no matter how much your brain tries to convince you. So, take it or leave it. That is the question. That is the dilemma.

And so with my stand, and with my permeable heart, I question everything. My mind disagrees with my heart which also disagrees with my gut. I only wish they could all, just for once, come to one single agreement.

I need a billboard. I need Faith and resolution. This time, I need certainty.


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